Long before I was an Ironman, I was a Trousermouse and it has become tradition to write a Best Of list for major team events. And since 5 out of 6 of us in Hawaii were Trousermice, a best of list had to follow. So here it is, the best of Kona 2006, written in conjunction withTim Regan (click on Wizard’s Sleeve to find my sassy blogging doppelganger in the male form). Enjoy!
Avoid at all costs – The Kona Keahole Airport between the hours of 11 am and 2 pm
Largest road grade descended – 21%
Fastest way for man to create fire – Brake on a 21% grade at ludicrous speed
Largest road grade walked up – 21%
Biggest jam – The kitchen sink after Liz tried to insinkerate 5 lbs of pasta
Most insulted – Chris & Tim when Liz says “I’d invite you guys up here if you didn’t look so gay” at Lava Java
Most spare change requested by beach bum – 1.5 million dollars
Most true Hawaiian fact – all Tikki’s are made in China
Best breakfast food – Lava Java
Most notable item not found on the Lava Java menu – Smoke and a pancake
Most notable deja-vu – The ABC store
Worst navigator – Meredith on her way to the airport
Best navigator – Garmin Street Pilot
The location of the “penalty box” – The back of the GMC Envoy
Number of times Tim was in the penalty box – Permanent resident
First team member to poop during competition – Liz
Most common opening of the jet-lagged “window” – 3:30 am
Number of times Liz’s “window” opened during Ironman – Once
Dumbest idea ever – Ride a century through the lava fields of Kona
That’ll come back and bite you in the ass – Tim, when saying before leaving for Kona century, “We’ll be back in 4 hours or so.”
Time (in seconds) the wind let up during the Kona to Hawi century – Zero
Mile marker for giving up hope for a timely return on the century – 80
Mile marker for giving up ALL hope for a timely return on the century – 85
Highest maximum-full-effort-speed between mile marker 80 & 85 – 12 mph
Most insulting comment made by team member after Chris & Tim called from mile marker 80 – Liz, “Who’s your daddy now?”
Best sports drink consumed when being picked up at mile marker 85 – Coors Light
Best road sign seen on a volcanic island – “Prevent Forest Fires”
Most likely to be found sleeping on your lanai – Meredith
Best word to spell out in little white rocks in the lava fields on Kona to Hawi century – HELP
Most notable race comment to Liz – Midgets, they’re everywhere
Best Ironman utility player – The wet sponge
Most noted wildlife species in an island tour guide – The feral cat
Stinkiest primate – Mini-Pickles
Best adornment of coconut hats – TIE – Mr. Pickles and Caffie
Person completely bone dry after heavy tropical rain – Bert
Most Confused – The italian guy who thought that Dit said “have sex with me in a hotel by the airport” instead of “take me to the airport”
Most reliable taxi fare to the Kona airport by an Italian – A handjob
Best display of cowboy boots on a tropical island – Meredith
Mile at which you find a new use for the wet sponge – 9 on the run
Best breakfast item after an Ironman – Cookie dough
Number of minutes it takes before you crap out cookie dough and other stomach contents – 20
Number of time Christina cracked a beer before 1 pm – About 20
Number of times Christina said “Jesus Christ” in repsonse to something that Tim said – about 1000
Thought you were getting there without your wrist getting sore but not quite – When Bert said “you ain’t there yet.”
Best fly by – When the Envoy drove down Alii Drive, with Chris hanging out of the window w/a Coors Light in hand, completely forgetting to pick up Liz
Best display of Hawaiian T & A – Bert’s digital camera
Most likely to have been schooled in Squeaky’s porn shed – Bert (did you see those photos?!?)
Best relayer of pertinent information from thousands of miles away – Marsh
Confused the Kona beach with the French Riviera – Christina, when she ‘accidentally’ went topless at the beach
Don’t cry over spilled beer – Mini Pickles
Got a little pussy – The entire team, that darn feral cat that we couldn’t shake
How the Polynesians built Hawaii – Using poi alone
Might have to cut him from the team for this one – Chris, he actually liked the poi
Best display of chowboxstraness – Meredith eating 3/4 of the Cheez-It’s in one sitting
Things you don’t want to hear after biking 112 miles in Ironman – “It was easy because you had a tailwind today”
Dirtiest place in Kona – The pool where they ‘cleanse’ the wet sponges
Most desperate plea – Jerome, “It’s 1 o’clock at home and I haven’t had my coffee!”
An appropriate way to touch Liz’s ass – post IM, get behind her when she says “A little assist for the Ironman please”
Most likely to abuse the appropriat way to touch Liz’s ass privilege – Bert
Best hot body watching – TIE – Lava Java or Bert’s camera display
Most likely to disappear on the island and never come back – Bert
Best sign for Ironman – “Oh yeah, it’s not Decorah hot”
Token hot chick – Connie
Best tourist t-shirt – Bert for buying Chris the fishing shirt that said “Kona Master Baiter”
Number of beers consumed by the Swenson/Reagan alliance – Too many to count
Needs to teach my hubsand a lesson or two – Jerome and his ability to shop til Jen drops
Biggest tool – The woman that boarded Chris’ plane 3 days after the race still wearing her lei and medal
