The other day, I got a message in my spam box called:
Custom Santa Letters
At that point, it hit me.
I have been a very bad girl.
I forgot to write my letter to Santa for the year.
Perfect. As if life wasn’t expensive enough I’m going to have to express air ship my Santa letter to the freakin’ North Pole. You’d think an elf would get discounts on things like this but no such luck. Turns out that elves that escape their toy assembly line life to become more important things like a multisport coach or an orthodontist are definitely frowned upon.
I’m paying full price.
Seeing as I’m already behind, I better get writing. So here goes…
Dear Santa,
(wait, scratch that)
Dear nondenominantional non religious possibly overmedicated because he is so happy love-me-as-a-large man in a red velour suit with a pair of fabulous black patent leather boots,
(yes, dear him)
I am writing to tell you I have been a very good girl. I know that may have come into question from time to time most notably from my husband (for the record he has never taken the time to write you a letter) and secondly from my mom (really, I do not screen my phone calls no matter what she says).
Take my word for it, Santa. I’ve been good. Really good.
And because I have been good I think I deserve things. Who am I kidding, Santa. I cannot tell a lie. I deserve a shitload of things. I’ve been so good this year that they’re thinking of sending bad people to me instead of jail. I’ve been so good maybe you should be writing a letter to me.
(waiting)
All right Santa, I’ll cut to the chase. I need a few things. I am writing them in no particular order (but you might want to consider #1 the most important to me):
#1 – Fat free peanut butter cups made with sugar AND whole milk. I realize you might think I am confusing you with god but I thought I would at least see what kind of pull you have with the big guy on this. Also if you could make an Extra Big Cup from Reeses that would be great because one Big Cup is never enough.
#2 – Swimming on the 1:15 interval. Not coming in on 1:15, I’m looking to send off on 1:15. Easy you say? Then take this: long course meter pool. I would be willing to give up peeing in the pool for a year if you could just help me with the 1:15 send off.
#3 – Porn star boobs. I don’t know. I just thought they might come in handy.
#4 – A wife to do things. What things? Something. Anything. Ok, everything. Santa I needs me a wife. She must be able to clean, walk the dog, check the mail, grocery shop and look pretty too. I can do all of these things or divide them up with husband but it’s much more fun to have someone else do it all and look pretty while also making it look easy. Only a wife can do this. Send me one!
#5 – Research that supports this statement: Egg Nog surpasses low fat chocolate milk as recovery drink.
#6 – My own barista in my own kitchen asking me EVERY morning “what size” or “how hot” or “do you need more”.
#7 – A feedbag to go with my saddlebags.
#8 – A chocolate river in my backyard like the one in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory. If you have room, riverbanks lined with money trees (dream big, right?). Better yet – I just thought of this one – a coffee river. Dark roast please.
#9 – For all of my darling friends that live in states like Arizona, California and Florida to stop writing things on their blogs like “it was below 50 degrees this morning and I was so cold.” Stop it. Stop it now or Santa will send you what cold feels like. Santa, send them ice! It was 7 degrees this morning with a minus 10 windchill and it was so cold that my dog wouldn’t go out to crap, my car was (and still is) iced shut. And, Santa, is it really necessary to the temperature to fall below 32 degrees? Isn’t freezing just freezing and once you are frozen you are cold what is the point of rubbing it in?
7 degrees. Santa. SEVEN!
#10 – For Chris McCormack to please stop popping up as People You May Know on Facebook because it’s way too tempting to request his friendship and I feel like that would be the beginning of the end – a slippery slope of stalking fast guys and hotties to become my friends and where would it stop Santa? WHERE WOULD IT STOP? I’ll tell you how it would stop Santa, just deliver one hottie (your choice) down my chimney on Christmas Eve and we’ll call it even.
#11 – Santa I wanted to keep this to 10 items but I just need too many things this year. Call it greed but you know I do live in Illinois so it comes with my territory. And so I ask you for my final thing: immaculate birthing. I don’t mean to get all religious on you but ’tis the season. Santa if I could just generate the baby without going through the process it would greatly please my entire family and get everyone the heck off my…ovaries.
Thank you.
By the way Santa, it was great to see you the other day. You were looking a little glum at Petsmart but I understand. Posing for 5 hours with a bunch of dogs can’t be the best gig but in these tough economic times you do what you gotta do. And sometimes that includes a little puppy breath and doo doo, eh? Well you made Boss feel like the most handsome and special little dog around (because he is). Perhaps you remember the small Chihuahua with wheat-colored fur and his fashionable Christmas sweater? He also smelled like oatmeal after a lovely morning bath with oatmeal shampuppypoo. He took that bath just for you! I know you had to sit through 20 photos but he did his best to smile for the camera. Really.
Let me say this, though – when he asked for his manhood back for Christmas and you laughed, well, Santa – that wasn’t very nice.
One last thing Santa. Not only do I have things I want. And a small dog. But I have a husband too. I asked Chris what he wanted from Santa. He said these three things; (1) for Liz to be happy, (2) a coffee maker, and (3) a healthy knee.
And here I was thinking he would say porn star boobs.
So much for knowing someone.
See you soon Santa,
ho ho ho
Liz
