I just got back from BuyBuyBaby.
I might need a moment.
What to do on a Thursday night when the work is done, the workouts are done, the dinner is eaten, you have no interest in watching Iron Chef Battle Tilapia and it is 7 degrees outside.
You suggest a trip to BuyBuyBaby to see just what we are getting ourselves into.
Chris was game. In fact, he suggested this trip just a few nights ago. I remember thinking how unusual it was but also how lucky I was that my husband was suggesting we go…baby shopping. Later I discover that there was another motive here.
Do you think they will have diaper genies?
Of all things baby that a man might be wondering about, ie., breast pumps, why the diaper genie?
Everyone on Ragbrai kept saying that Trixie’s solar powered iPod player looked like a diaper genie.
This is true.
We walked across the parking lot, the night cold and lit up by the colorful letters shouting not just BUY baby but BUY BUY baby to us. Beckoning to us – consumption, on a grand scale. It’s like going into Bed, Bath and Beyond – which I never suggest unless you have 2 hours and approximately 400 dollars to blow.
BuyBuyBaby, owned by the same company, is just the same. Except imagine all things baby. ALL THINGS. Nothing is left unsold here. To the left, diapers are stacked ceiling high, to the right, clothing jumps off the hangers in pretty pinks and soft blues, in front of me are toys toys toys.
The first thing we do is stop at the book section. Aubrey, our adorable niece, is celebrating her first birthday and I thought we might get her some books. The classics. I grabbed Goodnight Moon off the shelf.
This is a classic, I tell Chris.
I’ve never seen it before.
This doesn’t surprise me. Along those same lines, Chris has never seen most classic children’s movies, television shows, or been in a hammock. Normal kid things. Brenda still recalls the day, just a few years ago, Chris was over their house and noticed a hammock in the tree.
What’s that, he asked.
It’s a hammock.
What’s it for, Chris said as if he could not even imagine what a netted sack hanging between two trees could possibly do.
Well, it’s for sleeping, relaxing.
Next thing, Chris gave the hammock a try. And quickly flipped right out the other side.
I realize that I will be not only raising a child but a husband child. Many of our child’s first will be Chris’ firsts too. But I draw the line at changing him and we have already had the discussion that no the breast pump is not a penis pump.
Assume nothing, that’s what I say.
We walked over to the cribs and rocking chairs. There had to be at least 2 dozen rocking chairs lined up and next to them were cribs of every size, shape and color. Where do you even begin? I suppose 50 percent of the work will be cut in half when we find out the gender. But until them let me put in my vote for anything with monkeys or frogs. All of the boy stuff was adorable filled with animals and polka dots. The girl stuff made me want to bark pink flowers and purple butterflies. I started talking to Chris about cribs that turned into beds when I realized he was no longer behind me.
Instead I saw him standing by a crib with a blank look on his face. Actually staring into the crib. For a long pause. And I realized at that moment that he was probably doing one of two things:
1 – Wondering if he could build a similar crib, and the answer is no, our child’s bed will not be a woodworking experiment (he is on a woodworking kick lately, after he painted the entire house, he began searching for a new man project and decided that we would rebuild the living furniture even though it is from Target and we can just buy all new stuff for 80 bucks, I believe he is nesting already).
2 – Thinking to himself…HOLY SHIT. Because at some point, when you are having a baby you have the moment when you realize that you are going to have a little person to care for in less than 6 months.
HOLY SHIT.
And that person will require: diapers, special shampoo, special soap, special little nail cutters, nursing pads, changing pads, diaper bag, crib, rocking chair, bouncy chair, vibrating chair, high chair, car seat, stroller, pacifiers, bibs, little socks, little shoes, onesies, and when I informed Chris that baby would also need a special place to take a bath he said….
No.
What do you mean no?
We’ll give them a bath the same place we give Boss a bath.
IN THE UTILITY TUB!?!
Let’s move on to the play pens. Oh, wait, my bad – the pack n’ plays. I had a play pen. A portable prison cell if you will. You put the baby inside of the play pen and here’s the deal – they can move but they can’t go anywhere. Now they are called pack n’ plays. And they look much different than the practically metal box that was my play pen.
What are these for?
They are for putting the baby somewhere safe when you are away or doing things. And, in our case, when we want Boss to stay away from the baby.
Maybe we should just buy one and put Boss inside?
That is a very good idea.
We head over to the strollers next. Where to even begin? There have to be four dozen strollers here. Chris immediately picks out Aubrey’s stroller and says that he likes it the best. I agree, it was a good stroller. And it should be. Considering it was $749!
I make a new rule: no stroller in our house will exceed the cost of any one bike in our house.
But it gets worse. We find a stroller that costs $949. No joke. Chris starts playing with it and discovers it has full suspension. I have reason to believe it also had carbon fiber brake pads. And an aerodynamic hydration system.
I’m at the breast pumps. Actually, we both are. There is something wildly curious about a pump you attach to your breast. I need to see what this is all about.
Check this out.
Leave it to my husband to find the box with the picture of a woman that has two pumps attached to her breasts. You can have both and a little box that tells you how much milk you produced for the small fee of 349 bucks.
Last stop, the diapers. We need to know what the damage might be. 180 diapers for $40.99. I have no idea how long that would last but realized that when you have kids you can either have a fancy coffee habit or have a kid who wears diapers.
Finally, there they are – the diaper genies.
I signal Chris over to the shelf that holds at least 6 different types of diaper genies.
How do they work?
Let me check my maternal instinct which at birth installed the directions for how to use a diaper genie in my head. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THEY WORK! But I think the idea is that you put the diaper in, you twist the top and the poopy smell goes away.
So it’s like a garbage can.
Kind of. Just a lot more money. And that is when I realized a baby is like Ironman. You slap IRONMAN on anything and automatically the price goes up by loads of bucks. And baby is the same way. Even though the brush you use to clean out bottles is the same damn brush they sell at Target for $1.99, for baby you are going to pay $6.99. Ditto for…everything.
We walk out of the store.
Having a kid is an expensive thing, Chris says.
Back at home, I sat down to catch the end of Iron Chef and Chris cleaned up his things around the house.
Elizabeth.
Ruhroh. Full name means I’m in trouble.
Did you move my paintbrush?
Oh you mean the one that has been sitting in the same place for two weeks but really should have been put away two weeks ago. I didn’t. Ok, I did. I put it in the bucket which also needs to be put away because it is sitting in the utility tub.
Please do not move my things.
True, I shouldn’t move his things. But they were begging to be moved. They had seen enough of the laundry room. Quick, think of a bulletproof defense here….
The utility tub needs to be clean. It’s going to be the baby’s bathtub.
Call it cost cutting. Or something like that.
