I denounce…
Dressing for 46 degrees only to go outside and realize it feels like 60. Having to go back inside to get undressed and dressed again only to start the ride to realize it really is 46.
Feeling like you’ve ridden 3 hours when you look down to see you’ve gone an hour thirty. Feeling like you’ve ridden 4 hours when you’ve gone an hour thirty-five.
That little bit of snot that you keep blowing out of your nose that keeps coming back.
Squirrels that can’t make up their mind in the middle of the road. After your third fakeout, I’m coming at you full speed ahead. I don’t care if I hit you, vermin.
Signing up for Ironman. Why did I do this? Why these long ride? 2:11 into the ride, I realized I wasn’t even half way done with the ride.
Striking a match – or at least that is how it felt every time my crotch accidentally moved on the saddle.
55 – 39, denounced for good. You can take that extra gear and shove it.
When you cannot find the right gear and end up either going 83 rpms or 108 rpms. The entire ride.
Finding out that loops where you go “harder” versus loops where you go “easier” end up being the same speed.
The spider that I noticed on my sleeve that nearly sent me crashing before I got my head together, slowed the bike down and then frantically got that damn 8 legged freak off of me. AH!
Stoplights on timers that change to red for no reason other than – it’s time.
Stupid physicist humor on the signs posted around Fermilab – the only matter that matters is dark matter. Read that for a third time and you get the urge to hurl the sign across the road.
Drivers clearly in a rush on Saturday morning at 9 am that have to show you that clearly their 2000 pounds of steel can go faster than your 19 pound bicycle. Thanks because I wasn’t really sure.
Riding into what feels like a 20 mph headwind only to ride by a flag and see it standing completely still. Finding yourself at 4 hours calling the flag ‘broken’.
Fermilab after the 3rd time around. Then again after the 4th time around. And again at the 5th time around. And realizing you lost count after that.
Physicist safety humor sign #2 – it’s fall – leave the fall to the leaves.
Burning 2100 calories but calculating that I replaced all but 700 of them. How is that fair?
Thinking it would be a good day to experiment with a new nutrition plan. Looking back and realizing there was no good reason for this other than – why not? Which is not a reason. It’s just a rhetorical question – that needs no answer.
Doing so many loops I actually witnessed a staff change at the guardhouse. The look on the new guard’s face when I passed him twice in a period of 10 minutes.
Having to pee 15 minutes into the ride and then holding it until the 3 hour mark. Knowing that habits like this will probably put me in diapers in 10 years.
Infinit – BLECH! When I find the makers, I’d like to pump their stomach full of 4 bottles of gas and bloating.
Black Cherry Almond bars, I left half on the road, the other half unfortunately had to go in my belly.
Seeing your husband at 3:24 into the ride and listening to him say he has only 40 minutes to go while you have….who knows. You’ve lost track but it’s more than 40 minutes left to ride.
Thinking about coffee at 3 hours into the ride. Thinking about coffee at 3:10 into the ride. At 3:20, at 3:30. Thinking if I had 3 bucks on me, I’d probably stop for coffee somewhere on the ride.
Arriving back at your house at 4:13 into the ride when you have to go 4:15 and you’ll be damned to get off your bike before 4:15 so you circle around the neighborhood.
Knowing that my entry into the dark cave of Ironman pain has just begun. I barely have both feet in the cave. But after next week, it’s safe to say me entire body will be buried in the cave. If I don’t come back, please somebody come and find me.
