This just in.
Apparently there is now hard core research (ok probably just a phone survey) which revealed that the windy city is the most wired. Not – twitch – that I – twitch twitch – had anything to do – twitch from too much caffeine – with that.
A friend sent me a link to a Reuter’s report that found Chicagoans are among the top consumers of coffee. Not only coffee but caffeinated pills, colas, chocolate, and tea. If we can’t get it one way, we’ll get it another just as long as it perks us up.
Not only that, but we are also likely to say caffeine is good for you. Which means someone – someone – has been teaching the city well. Hmmm…perhaps a little elf told them?
And naysayers, beware because it’s true. It is good for you. In moderate doses each day. It sharpens your cognitive skills, increases your dexterity, improves your use of fatty acids, puts hair on your chest. All the good things.
This is good news for the city. Because Chicago was struggling in many other areas. Traffic – we’ve got lots. Diet – probably among the worst (I know there are people in this city that live on deep dish pizza), and physical activity – well, considering there are 4 good months each year where you can actively go outside without 20 lbs of moisture wicking, fleece-lined, wind-protecting gear, it’s tough to get active year round.
But when it comes to important things – things like coffee – yeah, we’ve got that down. We’re the best and living here makes me proud.
WOO HOO!! …..I love to win.
But wait. There is other good news. Chicago is not alone. There are other cities out there also perked and fully loaded. Cities with crowds aboard the same caffeinated wagon. Behind Chicago, Tampa, Miami, Phoenix and Atlanta were among the top five most caffeinated cities in the country.
Great news but I’m a little alarmed. Did anyone else notice that those cities also happen to be among some of the hottest in the country? Chicago + coffee + wind chill – that I get. But Phoenix? When was the last time you stepped out into 102 degrees of dry heat and thought to yourself that a cup of coffee would really hit the spot?
And Miami? I suspect they enjoy their caffeine in the form of stimulants to stay awake clubbing all night. But what about Atlanta? What’s going on in Atlanta? Wait. I am going to find out. Next weekend I am headed down to Atlanta. I will get to the bottom of this. Or the bottom of their coffee pots.
I hope those pots are clean.
Cities you should avoid at all costs, cities that need a wake me up call, cities that need a Starbucks on every corner because something’s got to help: San Francisco, Philadelphia, New York, Detroit and Baltimore consumed the least caffeine.
New Yorkers and San Franciscans were also among people most likely to say caffeine is bad for you. Oh please. Get over yourselves. It’s bad for you? So is living in a big city. Or driving over a very tall bridge.
Seattle took the top spot in just caffeinated coffee consumption. Psst…..what they left out is that they also drink their coffee from straws. STRAWS!
Another friend just sent a message. She suspected the results were skewed. Not possible. We have a friend living in northern Wisconsin who used to drink a lot, a lot of coffee. What about him? He probably could have carried the whole state alone.
So, perhaps the research was tainted. Which means it’s time for a rematch. A Buzz Off, if you will. Representatives from major cities all over the country will set down with bottomless coffee cups in front of them and just drink. For as long as you can last. Or as long as you can tolerate the side effects. First one left drinking without succumbing to the shakes, vomit, delusions, or urinating themselves wins.
I will proudly represent Chicago. So, line up your best defenses, cities, because what I lack in size I make up for in freakish ability to consume coffee and hold my pee. I’m bringing my rooster mug and you better fill ‘er up because living in Chicago there is proof – I am wired to win.
